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How dare you cowboy?

How dare you cowboy?
January 29
11:32 2018

You would be forgiven for believing there must be red-eyed demons in some deep evil cave, waiting to cause black people emotional havoc every New Year. Such beliefs don’t just pop out of nowhere. They arise when a white South African feels that the sight of happy and often drunk black people at a beach, enjoying what was once white privilege, is the most repulsive. The belief gets perpetuated when the King of the free world opens his vocal chords to piss off a whole continent. Only a demon with a surname can unleash such venom with consistency. At least that’s what a person of colour is bound to believe. That’s how much credit we give to dark forces, and we will give it to anything because as far as we are concerned, there is nothing like ‘nature taking its course’, or just coincidence. We believe so much that if there is nothing to scare ourselves with, we will create it.

By the time you read this column, shithole will be part of mainstream vocabulary, and a lot of people will have recovered from realising how illiterate they are. Just by paying too much attention to American swear-language, the whole continent hoodwinked itself into believing with unparalleled passion that The Don had hurled the worst insults at the continent. For that particular reason, the continent had to speak in one rare voice. There wasn’t even need to convene the SADC Troika or the AU Special Summit. The atrocities allegedly committed by Omar al Bashir or the slave traders in Libya were nothing compared to the insults hurled by The Don. We had been insulted and we demanded accountability from the nearest West Winger.

In Africa, we mind our own business and we are very sensitive to insults. A well-known village wife-beater will not be confronted by anyone, not even his muscular neighbour. These in Africa, we call other people’s affairs. Why do you think a country, genuinely believing that the continent had been addressed in the most profane, would seek to verify whether they were included in the profanity? If it wasn’t to make sure that we do not meddle in other people’s affairs, it was definitely to make sure that our own self-hallowed image remained untouched. And what better way than getting such confirmation from the captain of world politics. We seek self and self we must find, using whatever means.

I understand when the outcry about the Libyan slave camps first broke out, “Libyan diplomats in Africa jumped at CNN’s throat, accusing the network of tarnishing the image of Libya.” I am not quite sure what kind of image the world had of Libya, at least prior to the slavery reports. But I for one instantly remember a few things whenever Libya is mentioned; Muamma Gaddafi and his female body guards and his deposition from power. I wonder if the last absolute monarch ever invited him to the August festival before his unexpected and unintended departure from the world of the living.

So then, in our usual diplomatic, respectful manner, perhaps when the continental big boys meet some time after Davos, they will agree that yes, we know our blemishes and they don’t bother us. But how dare the cowboy use such brash language to remind us? Or worse still, how dare he say it in front of the children? And the secretary will get busy typing a strongly worded displeasure statement to be read at the next UN General Assembly. Only this dream may never come true if the cowboy plays his cards right in Zurich and deals with the big boys of the continental club one by one. And why not, when we have enjoyed such cordial relations over the years?!

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