“It is international women’s day this Thursday, on the 8th of March, and I have given men a reason to celebrate” (Blurb)

I apologise for this column seeming a little under par. I’ve been trying to write it using a voice-activated typing thing without actually writing, just shouting at the computer. It is not altogether successful. There is a communication barrier between me and my computer. We are speaking to each other in the same language but there is still a rife lack of understanding.

I keep getting the feeling the computer doesn’t approve of me; that it has higher ambitions about my accent and pronunciation. I could tell it that I have never been to Thornhill, Maruapula or any of those institutions where proper colonial accents and correct pronunciation are adopted. Apart from misunderstanding each other, I am frustrated by my computer’s dislike and disregard for swearing words. I say “fuck off” and it types fat duck, I say “fuck off” and it says fat OK. The only cunt my computer seems to know is Immanuel Kant, but it has no problem with can’t, just not cunt.

What about “knobhead”? It types Knoll bouquet. Everything you can determine about computers points to the truth that when they do take over, when they give themselves arms and legs and prosthetic penises that feel just the same in the dark, they will be prissy and uptight electric prudes. They are too precise and too procedural to make interesting humans. This dictation thing is never going to say anything messily interesting, nothing mad or hot. I want to meet Sophia the robot, the humanoid robot developed by Hong Kong-based company Hanson Robotics because it has been reported on